Leave it all to the dogs! Our favourite pet deathwishes

Leaving money for a pet.

Since introducing deathwishes to the world, we’ve seen over a whopping 120,000 created to date! Some are thoughtful, caring and emotionally charged, some are weird and wonderful, some are incredibly imaginative and some are just plain crazy. We welcome them all.

 

One trend we’ve noticed is a growing number of deathwishes which are related to beloved pets. I thought it might be interesting to show you some later, but firstly let’s look at some of the most famous legacies, last will and testaments left by some animal obsessed peeps.

I knew you were Trouble

Hotelier and so called ‘Queen of Mean’ Leona Helmsley left $12m to her Maltese pup Trouble when she died in 2007. That’s $12m more than she left two of her grandchildren, who were not surprisingly, pretty pissed off!
They contested the will in court and the judge ruled to cut Trouble’s inheritance down to $2m, awarding $6m between the disinherited grandchildren, the rest going to a charitable trust.

 

Trouble became both wanted and hated, obliviously receiving numerous death and kidnapping threats (resulting in a personal bodyguard being employed) for the four years that she outlived her owner, passing in 2011.

 

Rumour has it, against the law, the two were secretly re-united in a privately owned mausoleum.

Sounds like an episode from the Kar-dachshunds

In 2010, socialite Gail Posner, left her mansion (later sold for $8.4m) and $3m in a trust fund for her pooch Conchita and her canine sisters Lucia and April Marie.

 

Each dog had their own room in the mansion and travelled to the pet-spa every week in a gold Cadillac. It’s worth noting that $27m was left to her house staff, under the understanding that they would continue to look after the spoilt pups. A move which led to legal action by her son (who only received $1m), contesting the will, claiming conspiracy.

 

Apparently Conchita loves shopping, ‘wears a diamond collar from Tiffanys and likes to sleep in a cashmere sweater.’ Sounds like a diva to me.

Clucking Hell!

Miles Blackwell and his wife were well known for their caring of animals after setting up the Tubney Charitable Trust in 1997. Sadly in 2002 the couple died, just weeks apart. Miles, a publishing tycoon, who died shortly after his wife, had already laid plans to leave £10m to his favourite pet, his hen Gigoo. I imagine she lived an egg-tremely lavish lifestyle.

Puss in Loots

Ben Rea, a reclusive millionaire antiques dealer, decided to ignore his family in his will, instead opting to give almost his entire estate to Blackie, his remaining feline companion from a group of 15. £7m went to the lucky mog, and most of the remaining estate was split between 3 cat charities, with the instruction to care for his beloved kitty.

Meow Bella

After being rescued off the Italian streets at the age of 4, Tommasino the moggy, a former stray, was left $13m (partly cash and also 3 properties) by its owner Maria Assunta, a childless widow of a Italian real estate investor. When Maria’s health began to deteriorate, she began a search to find someone or an organisation to look after her feline friend. After the search became fruitless, she decided instead to transfer all the funds to the new-minted meowionaire after her passing in 2011.

Barking Mad

Californian prune rancher Tom Shewbridge left 29,000 shares in a local electric company to his two dogs Mac and George in 1958. The dogs regularly attended stockholders and board of directors meetings for years after his death and were obviously seen as important steakholders.

All the lonely doggies

Eleanor Ritchey, heiress to the Quaker State Oil Company, left her $4.5m fortune to her 150 dogs, who she adopted as abandoned pooches, when she died in 1968.

 

The will was contested, and in 1973 the dogs received an inflated $9m. By the time the estate was finally settled, its value had jumped to $14m but only 73 of the dogs were still alive. When the last dog died in 1984, the remainder of the estate went to the Auburn University Research Foundation for research into canine disease.

A different kinda cat house

Animal lover Jonathan Jackson died around 1880. In his will, he stated that “It is man’s duty as lord of animals to watch over and protect the lesser and feebler.”

 

His further instruction was to leave money for the creation of a cat house. A place where the cats could enjoy human comforts such as bedrooms, a dining hall, an exercise room, an auditorium to listen to live accordion music (do cats like accordion music?) and a roof designed for climbing without risking any of their nine lives.

Every dog has its day!

Dorothea Edwards, having died at the age of 80, left instructions with her family that her pacemaker be donated to an animal. Although legally in the US, a pacemaker cannot be transferred from person to person, there is no law that can stop the transfer to an animal that has a cardiovascular system.

 

So who would the lucky beneficiary be? The answer is; Sunshine, a 9½-year-old German Shepherd mix who had had a pretty woof time of it.

 

Sunshine was adopted by neighbours Cindy and John Wren when the dog’s home was raided by SWAT and the occupants were arrested for running a drug and prostitution ring. Her owner turned out to be Number 2 on the FBI’s Most Wanted List!

 

After that, the Wrens tried to rehabilitate the dog, both physically and mentally. But in 1998, Sunshine had lost her way, lost her appetite and began fainting often. Medical examinations revealed that she had a congenital heart defect and required a pacemaker to be surgically implanted.

 

After several unsuccessful procedures, Dorothea’s life saving legacy (a brand new, state-of-the-art pacemaker) was attached to Sunshine’s heart, the surgery a complete success.

 

What a beautiful story! Wonder when the film will come out?!

Material boy

In 1991, German Countess Karlotta Liebenstein left $80m to her canine companion Gunther III, on his passing the fortune went to his son, imaginatively named Gunther IV. His caretakers invested the dogs funds in various things over the years, ballooning the $80m to a barking $372m!

 

Named the richest pet in the world by Guinness World Records, Gunther IV has his own personal maid, eats caviar daily and owns mansions around the world.

 

He was listed as the buyer of Madonna’s Miami mansion in 2000. The sale was part of a publicity stunt involving a mystery buyer group called Gunther Corp and was bought for Gunther to share with a ‘multimedia’ musical group called The Burgundians.

 

Nope, never heard of them either. Something smells a little fishy here.

Got the purr-fect idea for your own animal inspired deathwish?

At DeadHappy, we have hundreds of thousands of deathwishes made by our customers. And while most of us haven’t got the millions to leave to our pets, maybe this has inspired you to think about ‘who’s going to look after my adored pooch, moggy, pig, hamster, snake, tarantula, goldfish or tortoise when I’m gone?’ (because let’s face it, they’ll outlive all of us).

 

Well, we’ve got your covered there as there’s a deathwish for that.

GET STARTED

How does a song become your song

How does a song become 'your song'?

The soundtrack to your life

So you’re in a bar (when that is allowed to happen again!) and what should come on over the speakers?……it’s THE song that you have with the person who is with you. You both do that look, THAT LOOK! Sometimes a look is all that’s needed, sometimes you both announce at the same time “this is our song!” and sometimes you have to jump up and give them a right old hug (again, when that’s allowed!).

Work sucks, truck died, hot as hell outside...

Which leads me on to how the hell do we allocate these musical masterpieces to one another?! How does it suddenly become a soundtrack to your life?

 

It could be that the song comes on at the exact moment when something monumental happens to you. Or perhaps the lyrics just hit the spot. Sometimes, a song is played at the tough moments of your life, like a funeral, and suddenly you associate THAT particular tune with THAT person – now everytime you hear it in the future, it fills your heart with loveliness and memories of them.

Love might bring us both together...

For me it was a very sad day, my uncle who was the biggest legend I have ever known had slipped away from us while we were all at his house. The bugger waited til my cousin and I had been sent off to the shop to get more tissues and decided that would be his time to go… I still think that was on purpose but I’ll never know!

He’d been poorly for a while and that was his day. I felt empty and wanted to get out for a bit. He used to be a doorman and loved a laugh and I felt compelled to go out and drink cider for him because he couldn’t! So, being 24, I thought I wanted to rally up my troops but I wasn’t sure if I could cope with everyone.

However, there was one special person who had just been through a shit time herself and I knew I needed her.

Anything you want, you got it.

We met at a bar and properly got on it: had a little cry, had some more cider, reminisced about how my uncle would pretend he was Hulk Hogan’s brother, and how once he ate a moth (it basically flew into his mouth!) and thought he was the new Ozzy Osbourne – minus the bat! We were in the middle of the dancefloor and then it happened. Florence & The Machine – You’ve Got The Love came on. We were on opposite sides of the dance floor (because we are extra like that!) and we literally looked at each other and sang every word out loud. I’m making this sound very dramatic but it was, kind of. 

 

Also, just to add to the drama, the smoke machine was in full swing! I got really emotional singing it to my best one but we were totally in the moment and that was how we got “our song”. Both of us can hear it together, separately and we will always think of one another and I will always think of my uncle too.

The funeral playlist

That then got me thinking about what I would want playing at my funeral. Music is really important to me and I don’t want any old crap playing just to fill the silences! Then I really got into it, liking to be in control, I really wanted to be the DJ for the whole thing! My top 5 for a funeral playlist would be:

 

Stardust – Music Sounds Better With You

Florence & The Machine – You’ve Got The Love (Obviously!)

Roy Orbison – Anything You Want

Wannadies – You & Me 

Chris Janson – Power of Positive Drinkin’

 

So what would your ultimate playlist be? On that note, a Deathwish has to be a great way to express what you want your family awkwardly dance to when the time comes, right?

Plan my funeral

Funeral traditions in Sweden

Cultural spotlight: Swedish death traditions

Welcome to Sweden: the land of meatballs, forests and ABBA. Our friends in the frozen Nordic lands are known for many different traditions, and the way they handle their dead and funerals is unique. We took a peek at 4 ways the Swedes do death.

Death cleaning

Not the kind when you’ve scrubbed yourself literally to death, but the kind when you get everything in order before you die. Known as döstädning, death cleaning is a style of decluttering you do when you think your time on the planet might be coming to a close. The author of The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning, a popular book on the topic, says it doesn’t have to happen all in one go. Luckily for us, as the place is a right tip.

Instead, author Margaretta Magnusson suggests that people start tidying up around the place a bit as soon as they start thinking about their own mortality. She says: “Don’t collect things you don’t want. One day when you’re not around anymore, your family would have to take care of all that stuff, and I don’t think that’s fair.” Wise words indeed.

Swedish death sweets

During the 19th century, when in the UK we were busy wearing mourning jewellery and burying our dead with bells, in Sweden, things were a little sweeter. Hard sugar candies in frilly black paper became popular as a funeral favour. 

The fringes on the wrapper were significant though: long and thin fringes indicated the death of an older person, and shorter wider fringes were for children or young people.

The candies fell out of fashion due to sugar rationing in WWII, but some surviving Swedish death sweets have decorative wrappers and even poems printed on them.

Are Swedes to busy for funerals?

There’s a debate surrounding the length of time between death and funerals in Sweden. These days, people have up to 1 month to bury their dead, but the laws used to allow much more time between death and the ground. Historically, people could take up to 2 months to bury or cremate their loved ones after they’d died.

 

Some people argue that Swedes take so long to hold funerals because they are notoriously busy and practical people. Others think that taking your time to bury your loved ones gives you more time with them and longer to mourn. Either way, they typically take longer to say goodbye than most other countries and cultures.

Bury me, but ditch the funeral

Swedes are becoming known for burials without ceremonies at all. Heralded as the funerals of the future, many bodies are taken straight from the hospital to the crematorium and then scattered somewhere – no faff. 

 

Known as direct cremations, in 2019 they accounted for almost 8% of cremations. If someone had a bad relationship with their family in life, or there was debate over the most appropriate burial, then this style of cremation tends to be popular. At least it saves money on flowers?

What do you want to happen when you die?

Hopefully the ever-practical Swedish practices have given you some inspiration. Whether you want a flat-pack coffin or some dead good candies, why not make your wishes clear now?

Make a deathwish

Memorial jewellert

Shine bright like a diamond: mourning jewellery

Victorians and death

The Victorians practically invented death as we know it. Death was everywhere: wars and diseases made sure of that. Life expectancy was much lower, with people at the time only expecting to hit 40 or 45 at best. Tragically, 1 in 3 children also died before the age of 5. Life was short and cruel.

 

But knowing how to make the best of a bad situation, the Victorians made mourning fashionable. Because there was no social media, no one knew if your loved ones had died, so you literally wore your grief on your sleeve. Or lapel. Or on a necklace.

The family jewels

Mourning jewellery, although not a Victorian invention, had a huge surge in popularity when Victoria was in mourning for Prince Albert. People took to wearing elegant and elaborate pieces of jewellery that would indicate they were grieving.

 

Black enamel pieces were the most common, but other precious stones were used and signified who had died: pearls were for children, and white enamel was used to memorialise unmarried women. Locks of hair were also used – the Victorians believed hair held the essence of a person [insert herbal shampoo joke here].

 

In fact, hair was in such high demand that by the mid-1800s, England was importing up to 50 tons of hair a year to create memorial jewellery.

 

Death photography started to take off and people combined the pictures with lockets. The long exposure time of daguerreotypes made them ideal for dead portrait sitters.

The candies fell out of fashion due to sugar rationing in WWII, but some surviving Swedish death sweets have decorative wrappers and even poems printed on them.

Ashes to ashes, diamonds from dust

The Cremation Society first formed in 1874, but being cremated only really became common in the 1960s. Since then, people have been keeping the ashes of their loved ones as a way to remember them.

 

Thanks to modern technology, we can now extract the carbon from great aunt Hilda and use the dusty bits to create a diamond, allowing people to memorialise their dead loved ones forever. Prices start from a few hundred pounds and skyrocket to £10,000 for 2 carat options.

Shine bright like a diamond

You should get exactly what you want out of your death. That’s why we let you make deathwishes so you too can be a snazzy diamond ring for all eternity. Or until someone leaves you on the sink at Watford Gap services by mistake.

Turn me into a diamond

Give your heart this Giving Tuesday

Will you be giving this Giving Tuesday..?

Love them or loathe them, Black Friday and Cyber Monday are upon us like Jabba the Hutt’s cackling little mate on our shoulder, egging us on to buy crappy bits of plastic or worthless tat for our loved ones… What could potentially redeem us from such impulse buys?

 

Well, Giving Tuesday of course! The international day of donating, volunteering and doing other good deeds, like helping an eldery lady across the road (socially distanced of course), whether she likes it or not.

Giving to charity

Here at DeadHappy you have the option to leave a charity legacy when you die as part of your deathwishes, and if you lot were as generous in life as you are in death I’m pretty sure I’d never have to buy a pint in a pub again… Ohhhh, pint in a pub, remember those days…

 

Our generous customers invoke images of Mother Teresa by ‘deathwishing’ around a whopping £150,000 of cash over the last 2 months to charities that mean a lot to them – from animal sanctuaries to children charities to environmental issues – you guys have it covered and we thank you for your eternal kindness.

 

It seems that celebrities are also more willing to give their fortunes away (and wouldn’t trust their teens with a trust fund).

Giving Tuesday Celebrity 1:

Bill and Melinda Gates

Worth a fabulous 112 billion according to Forbes, have promised most of their fortune to charity. Along with others they created and signed the Giving Pledge, which encourages celebrities and the super duper rich to donate their cash to charity.

GIVING TUESDAY CELEBRITY 2:

Michael Bloomsberg

Former New York mayor, has also signed up to the Giving Pledge, “If you want to do something for your children and show how much you love them, the single best thing, by far, is to support organisations that will create a better world for them and their children,” I’m sure his kids are ecstatic about that…

GIVING TUESDAY CELEBRITY 3:

Daniel Craig

Finds the idea of inheritance “distasteful”. He once said, “My philosophy is to get rid of it or give it away before you go. I don’t want to leave great sums to the next generation.” I’m hoping he gives it all to the ‘Jaws Foundation’, a charity set up to help those with metal teeth… (yes, I just made that up.)

GIVING TUESDAY CELEBRITY 4:

Joan Crawford

The actress died in 1977 and left nothing to two of her four children, “It is my intention to make no provision herein for my son Christopher or my daughter Christina for reasons which are well known to them.” Oo-er, the highest level of the ‘I’m so disappointed with you’ telling off. Instead, the famous actress left her money to charities like the Muscular Dystrophy Association of America, the American Cancer Society and loads more…

GIVING TUESDAY CELEBRITY 5:

Kirk Douglas

The most famous celeb death charity donation recently has been Kirk Douglas. Who left it all to the Douglas Foundation, which is committed to helping those who might not otherwise be able to help themselves. None of his children, including Michael Douglas, received a penny. I’m sure he’ll be alright though with his measly 300 million.

Keep on giving

So keep on giving peeps, not only will it potentially get you a seat next to your fave god in the afterlife, it’ll save your kids, or your mates’ kids, from being spoiled trust fund divas with no clue how to survive in this big bad world of stuff.

MAKE A DEATHWISH

Black Friday Sale sign

Black Friday Sale: The Deadly Injuries Edition

Black Friday deals to die for

Black Friday is the latest craze that came to us from America. And we get it, who wouldn’t want to save 20% off that 70 inch TV they’ve been eyeing-up since February?

 

But are any deals ever good enough to die for? According to a website reporting on Black Friday death count, the annual event has claimed 12 lives and caused 117 injuries so far.

 

So, in honour of the busiest shopping time of the year, we’ve put together a list of some of the deadliest (or just plain odd) Black Friday incidents. Who knows, maybe it will make you feel slightly better about the awful corona news that dominated the world this year. After all, no one is getting trampled this Black Friday. Silver linings and all that…

Black Friday Story 1:

Collapsed man ignored

A 61-year old pharmacist was shopping for Christmas decorations during the Black Friday sales. He’s already been dealing with a heart condition, but we can only imagine the chaos of Black Friday sales didn’t help. The worst part? After the man collapsed, the crowd kept their shopping craze, stepping over him in search for bargains. Talk about keeping your eyes on the prize

Black Friday Story 2:

Crowd gets pepper sprayed for an Xbox 360

We get it. Xbox is a pretty cool system. But does it really justify pepper spraying a crowd of people just to get it at a better price? One crazed woman did just that – pepper spraying shoppers after a crate full of discounted Xbox 360s was pulled out at a Los Angeles Walmart.

A mere 20 people were injured. Maybe she forgot life is not a game.

Black Friday Story 3:

The woman who had to go

Imagine standing in a line for hours… Even those with a bladder of steel would struggle. And we all know that one person who’d most likely produce a small pool we could all swim in.

Have we painted a vibrant enough picture? Good. Now enters reddit user (and BestBuy employee) Dave_Versus_Volcano to tell us a story about someone using one of the dryers as a bathroom, because they couldn’t wait another second longer. An awful smell dominated the shop floor, but we can’t say we blame the culprit. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Black Friday Story 4:

Belt turns into a whip

Sometimes you have to get creative to ward off the competition. A member of the crowd gathered in front of an Adidas store in British Columbia decided that using his belt as a whip would be a good idea. The sale was cancelled, and everyone missed out on the latest shoe release. Nice one, belt man.

Still craving Black Friday sales?

Black Friday or not, it’s always good to have your life insurance sorted. And since crazy things happen when things go on sale, we won’t make you fight for a discount code.

EVERYONE gets their first two months free on us. Just use the code BLACKFRIDAY.

GET LIFE INSURANCE

contemporary vs traditional funerals featuring victorian funerals

Funerals through the ages: the history and traditions

Victorian vs contemporary funeral traditions

Prince Albert (the man, not the piercing) is largely responsible for kicking off Victorian funeral customs. His wife Vic was so distraught at his death, she dressed in mourning clothes – blacks and sumptuous purples and greys – for the first 3 years after his death. The goth life chose her.

 

The Victorian period was a time of huge social upheaval and of new technologies, such as telephones, bicycles and electric light bulbs wowing society. If Victorians popped down to modern Shoreditch with its smartphones, fixie bikes and neon displays, they might not feel too out of place.

 

The way people lived and died was hugely important, and maybe there are a few more parallels with modern death than we first thought. From phantom photos to glass coffins.

Queen Victoria changed the funeral trends

Memento mori

Photography was a modern invention and a seriously big deal to the Victorians. When beloved family members died, it was a common practice to take a snap of the corpse, known as a ‘memento mori’; a reminder of your own inevitable death.

Mourning was big business in Victorian times. You could even hire professional mourners in case you had a bad turnout to your funeral. Thanks to social media, this kind of mourning has become a public event again. Lagipoiva Cherelle Jackson recently wrote in The Guardian that she had to stop a well-meaning family member from photographing her dead mum in a morgue. Perhaps when we’re grieving in the age of the selfie, taking pictures of someone dead isn’t that big of a deal.

Stop the clocks

In Victorian times, death was considered a full-stop: the absolute end. People would even stop the clocks in the house at the time of death to prevent more bad luck befalling the house. Nowadays, lives are frozen in time in a different way – when you die, your social media doesn’t die with you. Last year researchers predicted dead Facebookers outnumbering living users by 2069.

And since its launch, over 30 million users have died. That’s a lot of cat pics not being shared. Pages can be memorialised, meaning someone looks after the account on behalf of the dead user so you can still post messages to your loved one.

 

The ever-popular On This Day function can show you happy memories as well as painful ones, but lots of people find comfort in still being able to communicate with their friends and family – even though they can’t respond.

The Victorians had a solution for that, though – if someone was buried but not quite dead yet, they were buried with a bell so they could alert people to the fact that they were underground and conscious. That’s where we get ‘dead ringers’ from…

Queen Victoria changed the funeral trends
Queen Victoria changed the funeral trends

Pimp my coffin

The funeral business was booming in Victorian times. Death was a spectacle, and something to do on a Wednesday if you didn’t have much on. Often the more important you had been in life, the more ostentatious the funeral. This led to bodies being placed on display in glass coffins, so you could get a better look at great aunt Hilda before she shuffled off underground.

 

If anything, we’ve become slightly more eco-conscious these days. After all, glass doesn’t biodegrade for absolutely ages. The rise in saving the planet now applies to your afterlife choices, too. Cardboard coffins are becoming more popular, as are more exciting prospects including being buried in speciality caskets shaped like buses. Whatever makes you happy.

What do you want to happen when you die?

Whether you want your earthly remains turned into a diamond or your ashes to be shot into space, we’ve got a deathwish for that.


The ultimate gifts of love

Dirty Deathwishes for Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day, also called Saint Valentine’s Day or the Feast of Saint Valentine, is celebrated annually on February 14. Penned as the celebration of love and affection, it is named after St. Valentine, who has become known as the patron saint of lovers. 

 

I always envisioned St. Valentine to be a kind and gentle old Roman, probably with a wispy white beard and a warm smile, akin to the image of Santa Claus, only without the reindeers and yearly obligation to deliver presents. I imagined the origins to be a beautiful tale of gigantic romantic proportions filled with honest, wholesome affection, littered with happiness, joy and love.

 

How wrong was I…

Stone the bugger!

One of the many suspected St. Valentine was apparently a temple priest living in the 3rd century AD. The poor lad was executed near Rome by the anti-Christian Emperor Claudius II on Feb 14th. Why? He helped Roman soldiers to marry when they were forbidden to by the Christian faith at the time. Like an olden day Cilla Black.

 

Oh, and Claudius might have gotten pissed off with ol’ Valentine because the Saint refused to renounce his faith (and might have tried  repeatedly to convert the emperor). In an act of extreme temper tantrum, the emperor ordered St. Valentine to be beaten with clubs and stones and beheaded. Stroppy like the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland.

Blood, milk and gore...

Another story says it was Pope Gelasius I who dedicated Feb 14th to St. Valentine in the 5th century. He apparently chose to combine St. Valentine’s Day with the traditional Roman feast of Lupercalia, a pagan fertility festival popular at the time.

The pagan fertility celebration included all kinds of seedy, violent and odd rituals – mixing blood, milk and gore with a lot of alcohol. Some of the fun activities people go up to during the celebrations included:

  • Sacrificing goats and dogs, and then having the blood of those animals smeared with knives on the foreheads of two youths, who were obliged to laugh and wipe the blood off with wool dipped in milk. 
  • Whipping young women with  hides of the sacrificed animals, which were then stretched and made into thongs. It was believed that this would make them fertile and improve the birthing experience. Makes sense to me.
  • There was a matchmaking lottery, where young men would draw the names of women from a jar. The couple would then be, let’s say, hooked up for the duration of the festival, or longer, if the match was a good’un.

Unsurprisingly, the church was very keen to get rid of these weird traditions with something a lot more wholesome, so the festival gradually became a lot more tame. 

St. Valentine’s Day became a focus of attention and gradually transformed as the years went on.

It's sexy time

So, although you might associate Valentine’s with exchanging love notes and stuffing your face with heart-shaped chocolates, its roots are a lot more raunchy.

 

And what do we do at DeadHappy upon discovering that Valentine’s Day started off as a story of x-rated proportions? We delve into the naughty locker to find some of the raciest, rudest and risque deathwishes. I just hope no one at work is monitoring my search history.

WARNING: For adult eyes only

Christmas gifts

Gotta love an overestimation

I want my ashes to be made into a dildo. So I can disappoint her even when I’m gone. The dildo MUST not be any bigger than 7.5 inches. Otherwise she will wish me off herself.

Nice to know there's options

He’d pay off our mortgage. Or hire loads of prostitutes, whatever.

Christmas gifts
Christmas gifts

You'll probably end up looking a bit like Pinocchio when it's cold

Tattoo my face on your breast (nipple for nose).

Lots of sniffs instead of sniffles...

Get new underwear….you are going to need them as i want all your current underwear in my coffin…..used!!!!!

Christmas gifts
Christmas gifts

Is that a question or a statement?

I’m a perv and I don’t care. Put your underwear in the coffin with me and use the money to buy new. Bra over eyes please??

Ah, yes... the famous imperial measurement 'fuck ton'.

For my wake – Strippers. Fuck tons of strippers. Male and female.

Christmas gifts
Christmas gifts

As long as you're fine with that.

At my wake, I want a fire breathing stripper(s) but depending on the venue, I’ll be fine with fire eating burlesque.

I wonder who should do the audition process

I’d like it to be carried down the aisle by muscular men wearing just speedos. Big bulges essential.

Christmas gifts

Reading this got you in the mood? For deathwishes that is…


The ultimate gifts of love

Christmas gifts: the ultimate gift of love edition

Ultimate acts of love

According to Buddha, “Those whose minds are shaped by selfless thoughts give joy when they speak or act.” What a wise bloke. In celebration of Christmas and a time of giving, we’ve racked our selfish, human brains to find the nicest, most selfless things you can give.

Christmas gifts

A cuppa and a chat

Put the kettle on this Christmas and have a chat with someone you love. It’s always a good time to talk about mental health and any concerns you have. 1 in 4 people are affected by mental health problems in their life. That’s someone in your family, or in your car, or who sits opposite you at work. Or it’s you. There are great resources out there if you don’t want to talk to someone you know. Check these out:

Death cleaning

The new year is coming, and it’s time for life admin. The Swedish have a word for it: döstädning. It means ‘death cleaning’ and it’s how the Swedes take care of the future without them in it. They clear out their crap to make life easier for their loved ones when they die. We’re not wishing the ultimate demise on you of course, but having your admin sorted can give you an incredible peace of mind and have you enjoy your life more. Tried and tested.

 

Inspired? Then chuck out your chintz and make room for the stuff that matters: like life insurance. We believe life insurance is the ultimate act of love and the best thing you can leave behind. Much better than a creepy clown statue, anyway.

Christmas gifts
Christmas gifts

Your time

Without being preachy or anything, your time is a precious gift. Just because you can’t put it under the tree doesn’t mean it can’t be the perfect present. Find a cause that makes your heart sing, like giving to a food bank or volunteering with a soup kitchen, and give your time generously. It’s what Buddha would have wanted.

A meaningful gift

Whether it’s a, erm, toy built in your image, or sending your mates on a holiday to Ibiza, you can make a unique deathwish with DeadHappy. Not a nihilistic suicide quest, but a statement of your deathly intentions – an expression of your final wishes. We ask one question: what do you want to happen when you die? Then it’s up to you to decide what you want, and get it insured so we can make it happen.


An alternative take on nobel prize

Nobel Prize Day: DeadHappy style

On November 27th, 1895, a Mr. Alfred Nobel signed his last will at the Swedish-Norwegian Club in Paris, France. Little did he know it would cause so much trouble!

After it was opened and read after his death, on the 10th December 1896, ripples went through Sweden and the whole world. Why, you ask?

Alfred's dying wish

To put it in DeadHappy terms, it was his deathwish that caused the hoo-ha.

Controversially Alfred left much of his wealth for the invention of a prize…The Nobel Prize. His family opposed the creation of it and the prize awarders that he had named refused to do what he had requested in his will. 

After much ado and convincing by the executors, on the 5th anniversary of his death in 1901, the first Nobel Prize was finally awarded and shared.

Winners of the Nobel Prize

Nobel Prize Day is observed annually on December 10.

Some of the more household names that have won a Nobel Prize previously are Marie Curie, Theodore Roosevelt, Albert Einstein, George Bernard Shaw, Winston Churchill, Ernest Hemingway, Martin Luther King, Jr., the Dalai Lama, Bob Dylan, Mikhail Gorbachev, Nelson Mandela and Barack Obama. 

But in true DeadHappy style, I’m not gonna talk about all the incredible people that have won the Nobel Prize and their massively important contributions to physics, chemistry, medicine, literature, and peace. 

In fact, the original plan was to do exactly that, however whilst researching Nobel Prize winners, I came across something which grabbed my attention and I found myself down quite an entertaining rabbit hole…..

Please welcome to the Nobel Prize’s mischievous evil twin, the Ig Nobel Prize...

From its creation in 1991, the Ig Nobel Prize has annually awarded a satirical prize to celebrate ten unusual or trivial achievements in scientific research. It’s aim is to ‘honor achievements that first make people laugh, and then make them think.’ Ultimately to celebrate the unusual, honor the imaginative, commemorate the weirdness and spur people’s interest in science, medicine, and technology.

So I’ve researched the prize winners from every year since 1991, just for you, and have picked out some of the best (in no particular order). See what you think…

#1 IG NOBEL PRIZE WINNER

Defying gravity

The 2009 Ig Nobel Prize in Physics was shared by three American researchers – Katherine K. Whitcome, Daniel E. Lieberman and Liza J. Shapiro – for their analytical explanation of ‘why pregnant women are not constantly tipping over.’

#2 IG NOBEL PRIZE WINNER

I gotta peeling.

The 2014 Ig Nobel Prize in Physics was shared by four researchers – Kiyoshi Mabuchi, Kensei Tanaka, Daichi Uchijima, and Rina Sakai – for explaining the physics behind the issue that has plagued cartoon viewers for decades – slipping on a banana peel – why are they so damn slippery?.

#3 IG NOBEL PRIZE WINNER

I don't believe it!

Professor Emeritus John documented ‘All the Things that Annoyed Him.’ He published the data on his annoyances in more than 80 detailed academic reports. Some of the highlights included, the percentage of young people wearing baseball caps “with the peak facing to the rear rather than to the front” and the percentage “of shoppers who exceed the number of items permitted in a supermarket’s checkout lane.” He received the 2003 prize in Literature, grumpy sod.

#4 IG NOBEL PRIZE WINNER

What a load of bollocks.

Roger Mieusset and Bourras Bengoudifa were awarded the anatomy prize for testing the testicle temperatures in clothed and naked men. They found that in some postal workers, bus drivers, and other clothed men, the left knacker is warmer than the right, while in some naked men, the opposite is true. They suggest that this discrepancy may contribute to asymmetry in the shape and size of male gonads.

#5 IG NOBEL PRIZE WINNER

Why do wombats sh*t a perfect cube?

In the final 8 percent of a wombat’s intestine, poo transforms from a liquid-like state into a series of small, solid cubes. Lovely! 

Patricia Yang, David Hu, and their team inflated the intestines of two dead wombats with long balloons to discover that the shape is caused by the elasticity of the intestinal wall, which stretches at certain angles to form cubes. 

For solving the mystery, Yang and Hu took home the physics award for the second time—they also won in 2015 for testing the theory that all mammals can empty their bladders in about 21 seconds. Good to know!

#6 IG NOBEL PRIZE WINNER

Now let me hear ya say wayoh-way-oh!

In 2000, Ig Nobel awarded their Peace prize to the British Royal Navy.

In protest to budget cuts of their ammunition at their training camps, Royal Navy gunners began shouting ‘BOOM’ through microphones to imitate the firing of cannons during training exercises.

Although some in the British Parliament questioned the “quality” of this training, the Ministry of Defense insisted it gave the most “bang” for government bucks.

#7 IG NOBEL PRIZE WINNER

Dogging.

In 2002, Japanese scientists Keita Sato, Dr. Matsui Suzuki, and Dr. Norio Kogure won the Ig Nobel for Peace for their work in promoting interspecies communication.

They created a device called Bow-Lingual, a computer-based dog-to-human translator. It identifies dog barks as one of six different emotional categories and includes info on understanding the emotions of a dog’s body language. These two things combined helps an owner to how to best serve their pooch.

No more of that lost in interspecies translation nonsense! It was described as the best invention of 2002 by Times magazine and received many celeb backers such as Oprah Winfrey.

#8 IG NOBEL PRIZE WINNER

Walt Whitman's dream.

The 2016 Ig Nobel in Biology had two winners, UK scientists Charles Foster and Thomas Thwaites.

They both spent lengthy periods of time living as animals so they could get a better understanding of our fellow creatures’ lifestyles. Foster spent time as a badger, an otter, a deer, a fox, and a bird, eating as each creature would eat and living as it would live. Thwaites oddly created prosthetic extensions for his limbs so he could roam the hills among goats.

Both men wrote books about their experiences and were awarded for their service to interspecies relations. Hope they just stuck to eating and ‘living’ aye!

#9 IG NOBEL PRIZE WINNER

Big socks?

In 1993, Jerald Bain of Mt. San Hospital in Toronto and Kerry Siminoski of the University of Alberta took on the classic innuendo: “You know what they say about big feet?”

Their 1993 paper, “The relationships among height, penile length, and foot size,” set out to “determine whether ‘folk myths’ regarding the relationships of penile size to body height and foot size have any basis in fact.”

However, in true myth-busting style, the two scientists found that there is absolutely no correlation between foot size and penis size. They won the 1998 Ig Nobel in Statistics for their hard work.

#10 IG NOBEL PRIZE WINNER

Birds and the bees.

Ostrich farmers around the world can thank UK biologists N. Bubier, Charles G.M. Paxton, Phil Bower, and D. Charles Deeming for their work on ostrich courtship behavior (or not).

In simple terms, they found that ostrich’s loved a bit of voyeurism. And came to the conclusion that the big birds got a lot more frisky if a human was watching. But stated that the farmers would have to stay for the duration of the love making or they would lose interest and stop.

Their research was worthy of the 2002 Ig Nobel in Biology.

#11 IG NOBEL PRIZE WINNER

Dolled up.

Ellen Kleist of Greenland and Harald Moi of Norway won the 1996 Ig Nobel in Public Health.

Their work documented the first-known case of gonorrhea passed through an inflatable doll. Their 1993 article told the curious tale of a lonely sailor getting an STI at sea. The doctors were dumbfounded as there was no women on the boat, the sailor denied a homosexual encounter and they had left the port over two weeks before symptoms began, which ruled out that.

The sailor hesitantly solved the mystery by revealing a romantic liaison with a blow up doll. Spoiler alert, the blow up doll wasn’t monogamous. Ewww!

#12 IG NOBEL PRIZE WINNER

Mama o-o-o-ooooo.

It is normal practice for pregnant women to play music towards their bellies for their developing fetus with hopes their new child will be born with an appreciation for their musical taste.

The Obstetrics Ig Nobel was awarded to Spanish researchers who used ultrasound to track fetal facial expressions in response to music. 

And here’s where it gets interesting/weirder: 

The music was played on speakers placed on the stomach, or wired in a tampon-like device and inserted the woman’s vagina. 

They discovered that babies seemed to prefer the intra-vaginal music device, as the researchers detected more fetal mouth movement. It wasn’t mentioned which method the moms-to-be preferred. However, the research has led to a patented Fetal Acoustic Stimulation Device: otherwise known as the Babypod. Crikey!

#13 IG NOBEL PRIZE WINNER

Ding dong dash!

The governments of India and Pakistan bagged the Ig Nobel Peace prize in 2020 for having their diplomats ring each other’s doorbells in the middle of the night, and then run away before anyone had a chance to answer the door.

Who’d have thought knock-a-door run (or whatever you called it when you were younger) would turn political.

#14 IG NOBEL PRIZE WINNER

You do it, no you do it, no you!

The Ig Nobel Management prize in 2020 went to five Chinese professional hitmen who managed a contract for a hit job (a murder performed for money) in the following way:

After accepting payment to perform the murder, Xi Guang-An then instead subcontracted the task to Mo Tian-Xiang, who then instead subcontracted the task to Yang Kang-Sheng, who then instead subcontracted the task to Yang Guang-Sheng, who then instead subcontracted the task to Ling Xian-Si, with each subsequently enlisted hitman receiving a smaller percentage of the fee, and nobody actually performing a murder. ‘Professional!’

#15 IG NOBEL PRIZE WINNER

Fuzzy duck.

In 1995, Kees Moeliker heard a loud bang coming from the Natural History Museum Rotterdam’s new wing. Turns out it was a bird hitting the glass exterior. As curator of the museum, Kees was used to this as it happened regularly. However this day was different, this bird’s final flight changed his life. Let me explain why.

Soon after the male duck died, a live male duck from the same species approached it, mounted it and well, ‘ducked’ it for over an hour.

Moeliker did what any normal person would do at this point – he grabbed his camera and his notebook and recorded exactly what happened. His bizarre observations turned into a paper aptly titled ‘The first case of homosexual necrophilia in the mallard Anas platyrhynchos.’ In 2003, this work was rewarded with the Ig Nobel Prize in Biology.

What a quacking one to end on…

Now to the prize...

Each recipient of the Ig Nobel prizes each receive a pointless cash prize, a now obsolete $10 trillion Zimbabwean dollar note and are handed out by actual Nobel Prize (the real one) winners at Harvard University. 

In most cases winners will go to the ceremony to collect their prize in person (they have to pay for their own travel there) and as with traditional award ceremonies, they are invited to give a speech. During that speech, Miss Sweetie Poo, a little girl, repeatedly cries out, “Please stop: I’m bored”, in a high-pitched voice if speakers go on too long. 

 

The audience are encouraged to throw paper airplanes onto the stage during the ceremony and thousands tune into the weirdness online every year.

The awards ceremony is traditionally closed with the words: “If you didn’t win a prize – and especially if you did – better luck next year!”

 

Sounds like a riot, think I might tune in next year…