B’Jesus Part#1

B’Jesus Part#1

B’Jesus Part#1 1800 1200 DeadHappy


It’s that glorious time of year again. The daffodils are in bloom, the days are getting longer and proper summer is just around the corner. What better way to herald this seasonal vitality than by celebrating human sacrifice with eggs, chocolate and of course… rabbits.

On the day Jesus was born we get presents, on the day he died we get Creme Eggs and hot cross buns. It’s commercial hijacking at it’s very finest.

But let’s not ruin a good thing. Let’s rise above all the hullabaloo, and bring it all back to the main man… Mr. Jesus. H. Christ, so we can put our very own commercial spin on it.

We wanted to put Jesus under the life insurance spotlight and so asked the perfectly sound, logical, and reasonable question: If modern insurers were knocking around in Iron Age Judea…

Would Jesus qualify for life insurance?

So, without further ado, let’s take a look at the saviour’s circumstances…

Medical history

As far as we can tell from the scriptures, Jesus never had a sick day in his life. It’s not surprising really when you consider that he is both the son of God and God incarnate. He wouldn’t be much of a deity if he came down with man-flu every year like the rest of us.

Being born in a barn surrounded by donkey shit, he must’ve developed the immune system of a Komodo dragon.

Some insurers require a physical exam; some just need you to answer a few health-related questions. Either way, a spotless medical record means Jesus is off to a flying start in qualifying for life insurance.


While there’s no evidence to suggest that Jesus was a smoker, there’s pretty compelling evidence that suggests he was a cannabis user – cannabis oil that is, let’s not get carried away. As he was only using it as an ingredient in his anointing oil (a common tradition in early Judaism) and not smoking it, this wouldn’t affect his insurance application in any way.

Again, when it comes to booze, Jesus is still looking good. Despite having the ability to magic water into wine, he evidently exercised the self-restraint that a mere mortal could only dream of.

No heavy drinking, no drug use and only ever having one black-out weekend in his life where he woke up on Sunday feeling like death. Even then, he had to do it to redeem mankind’s original sin, not just Lazarus’s resurrection rave.

So what’s the verdict?

Despite the fact that he spent much of his downtime walking on oceans and curing lepers with holy high-fives, this would not be enough to prevent him from getting life insurance, unless demon exorcising was classified as an extreme sport… which it isn’t.

Congratulations Jesus. You would have qualified for life insurance.

But would he have got his payout?! Mmmmmmm…

Updates & Legal gumph
Current Version 2.1
  • Added
  • Hey Bowlhead video
  • Updated
  • Lifeline guarantee extended to 10 years.
  • Plan RulesView Rules
  • Improved
  • Life insurance acceptance for mental health issues
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