I always envisioned St. Valentine to be a kind and gentle old Roman, probably with a wispy white beard and a warm smile, akin to the image of Santa Claus, only without the reindeers and yearly obligation to deliver presents. I imagined the origins to be a beautiful tale of gigantic romantic proportions filled with honest, wholesome affection, littered with happiness, joy and love.

How wrong was I…

Stone the bugger!

One of the many suspected St. Valentine was apparently a temple priest living in the 3rd century AD. The poor lad was executed near Rome by the anti-Christian Emperor Claudius II on Feb 14th. Why? He helped Roman soldiers to marry when they were forbidden to by the Christian faith at the time. Like an olden day Cilla Black.

Oh, and Claudius might have gotten pissed off with ol’ Valentine because the Saint refused to renounce his faith (and might have tried  repeatedly to convert the emperor). In an act of extreme temper tantrum, the emperor ordered St. Valentine to be beaten with clubs and stones and beheaded. Stroppy like the Queen of Hearts from Alice in Wonderland.

Blood, milk and gore…

Another story says it was Pope Gelasius I who dedicated Feb 14th to St. Valentine in the 5th century. He apparently chose to combine St. Valentine’s Day with the traditional Roman feast of Lupercalia, a pagan fertility festival popular at the time.

The pagan fertility celebration included all kinds of seedy, violent and odd rituals – mixing blood, milk and gore with a lot of alcohol. Some of the fun activities people go up to during the celebrations included:

• Sacrificing goats and dogs, and then having the blood of those animals smeared with knives on the foreheads of two youths, who were obliged to laugh and wipe the blood off with wool dipped in milk. 
• Whipping young women with  hides of the sacrificed animals, which were then stretched and made into thongs. It was believed that this would make them fertile and improve the birthing experience. Makes sense to me.
• There was a matchmaking lottery, where young men would draw the names of women from a jar. The couple would then be, let’s say, hooked up for the duration of the festival, or longer, if the match was a good’un.

Unsurprisingly, the church was very keen to get rid of these weird traditions with something a lot more wholesome, so the festival gradually became a lot more tame. 

St. Valentine’s Day became a focus of attention and gradually transformed as the years went on.

It’s sexy time

So, although you might associate Valentine’s with exchanging love notes and stuffing your face with heart-shaped chocolates, its roots are a lot more raunchy.

And what do we do at DeadHappy upon discovering that Valentine’s Day started off as a story of x-rated proportions? We delve into the naughty locker to find some of the raciest, rudest and risque deathwishes. I just hope no one at work is monitoring my search history.

WARNING: For adult eyes only

Gotta love an overestimation

I want my ashes to be made into a dildo. So I can disappoint her even when I’m gone. The dildo MUST not be any bigger than 7.5 inches. Otherwise she will wish me off herself.

Nice to know there’s options

He’d pay off our mortgage. Or hire loads of prostitutes, whatever.

You’ll probably end up looking a bit like Pinocchio when it’s cold

Tattoo my face on your breast (nipple for nose).

Lots of sniffs instead of sniffles…

Get new underwear….you are going to need them as i want all your current underwear in my coffin…..used!!!!!

Is that a question or a statement?

I’m a perv and I don’t care. Put your underwear in the coffin with me and use the money to buy new. Bra over eyes please??

Ah, yes… the famous imperial measurement ‘fuck ton’.

For my wake – Strippers. Fuck tons of strippers. Male and female.

As long as you’re fine with that.

At my wake, I want a fire breathing stripper(s) but depending on the venue, I’ll be fine with fire eating burlesque.

I wonder who should do the audition process

I’d like it to be carried down the aisle by muscular men wearing just speedos. Big bulges essential.

Reading this got you in the mood? For deathwishes that is…